Like this:

This happened just now, so I’m going to write it as now, even though it’s a “recent now,” and technically there is no such thing…

I just lost it! I couldn’t stand the beauty and I am distracting myself by writing, which is so much less than the thing itself…

The point of what is coming down and through here is not yet-another-nature-description, but something that to me, feels more helpful. Perhaps a drop in the tool-ocean of how to come back to my/our Self.

I am  sitting at my window doing my morning-moving-meditation-waving thing (m-m-m-medi-waving?). If you’ve been in my place you know it’s all about The View––San Francisco Bay with the city in the distance like a cute architect’s model and, in the near-distance, angelic islands and the Audubon society hill… Oh, the ever-changing sky and wave-patterns! All my musings on waves are fleshed out, hydrated in real, moving life-wave-lessons here.

This morning it is lilac and peachy when I come out for some decaf green tea. Sky and its wet mirror as one giant mural at the end of my living room. I sit in my chair where I have been practicing active receptivity (see my article on meditation). As I melt down into the inner (but not really) ocean of cosmic and divine and personal and impersonal waves intersecting as this feeling of me, moving my bod in strange patterns of shaking, then a trippy Hinduish dance, then a deep, breathing tide, I watch the Nature Special:

To say it’s different every day would be too obvious. It’s not just different, it’s NEW every day, freshly downloaded from source like God’s Blog, local Bay Area edition. The lilac-and-peachy fades into a white, pastel brightness. Ah, I think, dawn has passed and the day is here. Yet after the first peachiness fades, the whole movie phases through whiteness back into intense orange clouds again. Something to do with the angle of the sun, which I can’t see yet.

And the birds! Omigod! There is the pelican squadron that swoops through on patrol. The odd, weird-looking duckish loner birds, (I’m grateful for not knowing all the names because they just look like cosmic Disney creatures to me) swimming around on their own, then suddenly disappearing underwater. I watch to see where they will re-emerge, yet it’s always much, much further away than I expected.

But what really does me in is the egret, soaring through the center of the picture, then slowly landing at the water’s edge, walking with backwards-knees, pecking for food. I think it’s a snowy egret––that kind with the pointy Mohawk. And all of a sudden I am losing it.

I’m asking for God (why I call It “God” here), but when It comes and starts to break the gauge on my receptivity thermostat, I freak! I’m like one of those tourists we all laugh at––and are––roaming the world with our cameras, and now movie-phones, recording all the shocking beauty for later consumption, or for gaining status with friends, or something. Oh boy, you should have seen that sunset over the Grand Canyon!

Oh boy, you should have felt that sunrise God-wave that broke through my invisible border patrol this morning, causing me to shoot out of my chair and race to the computer. “That’s just TOO MUCH!” said my nervous (comfort) system. The funny thing is, my P.A.T., which is a device from my old motherwave/soulwave trainings meaning Personal Addictive Theme, or “the bottom-line basic invisible belief I have about myself/life which informs all my perceptions” is…

Ta dah… “I’m Too Much!”

I am too much. You are too much. God is too much. It’s all too much. Trying to figure my life out is too much.

So: how to come back to my/our real Self? I’m just noticing my reactions here, not trying to fix it all, letting it ride through like a wave. Surfing it. In life-so-far, I’ve found that this gradually or quickly melts things down. In a good way.

P.S. The God-wave just pulled me in for a few moments. The holy tide refreshed me, reset my mind a bit:

Aha! Of course! That outer something that I am always railing against, struggling with, whether I call it the economy, the body, the swine flu, God, life, the wheel of karma… it’s all me! Small “m.” This is embarrassingly obvious and I know you know it already. If there is anything that is God, it may contain my hall-of-mirrors ego with all its stories and projections, but it is Not That. And so, I Am Not That.

I know you already know this. How can words become a wave that crosses the mind’s sea-wall? How can I open my sea-wall in total receptivity to receive the egret and God and all of Me?

If wanting was invented for anything, I want this. The other stuff is growing a bit old and not working. I open myself to Your Too Muchness, now.

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